Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

Bad. Bath. Bass.

Things are rather down in the mouth this week.

Bad.  I have always wanted to anoint Brother Matt Damon in oils.  In the past, it has been as an act of blessing for his work and his beatific smile.  Now, I feel the need to anoint him in ministry.  Bless his heart.  I’ll admit that my tongue of judgment can fall harshly at time upon those who are not quite as uplifted as me.  However, I have limits.  I’m just curious what world little Matt inhabits where it is a surprise to him in 2021 that certain words are considered offensive in these times.  Such filth and bad words coming out of his mouth.  Look, I have very little tolerance for sodomites.  However, I would never resort to name calling using a slur which rhymes with “gag it”.  How is it that it took one of his young daughters to rather boldly enlighten him?  I’m guessing he had been so used to being on the receiving end of that word from his days working with Brother Affleck that it held fond memories for him.

Bath.  Speaking of gag.  I wish I had read this story with a sick sack, trash can or even my purse nearby.  I still retch thinking about it.  Brother Ashton Kutcher and his other half, Sister Mila Kunis, have announced rather boldly that they do not bathe on a regular basis.  Nor do they cleanse their children until they “can see dirt on them.”  (Lord, it’s coming up again……)  To make matters worse, Brother Kutcher declares that he DOES wash his “pits and crotch” on a daily basis.   <Retch>  I don’t even want to THINK about what kind of “whore’s bath” Sister Kunis performs.  Let us pray for those poor unwashed children.  In the meantime, I will be seeking ways to make myself available to baptize both these heathens in true Babatist fashion.  ALL THE WAY UNDER!  (I just threw up in my mouth.)

Bass.  Finally, in our tour through all things of the mouth, this story is disturbing.  A young woman in Connecticut has been proclaimed by Guinness to have the world’s largest mouth.  According to Guinness, “…..she could envelop an entire green apple, bite through four single-stacked cheeseburgers, and even hold a large-sized order of French fries.”  <Retch>  Certainly an interesting feature, but I was unprepared to actually see her photo.  <Retch>  I’ll wager that she never goes fishing lest the bass look at her and gurgle, “Girl, no!”  Finally, Brothers and Sisters, why, I ask you, does she feel the need to wear lipstick?  WE CAN SEE IT!  <Retch>