Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

Just Throwing This Out There

This seemingly unending conversation about the COVID vaccines has led me to thinking about some things I would normally never have considered.  

With long-term side effects being given as one of the specious (or should that be spurious?) reasons for vaccine resistance, I began to wonder about those very effects of the medications that I currently take.  In something at least adjacent to giving one’s life to Jesus, I—like many Americans–gave my life to Big Pharma years ago.  

I decided to do my research on these effects related to the pills I pop on a twice daily basis.  In all candor, I really have to put my mind to it to remember which one does what, not to mention the difficulty I have with spelling and pronouncing them correctly.  So I gathered my various bottles and headed to the computer, which has replaced the library and the Encyclopaedia Britannia as the place where research is done in the 21st century.

No one had to tell me that firmer, younger looking skin wasn’t going to be among the side effects, but I halfway expected something that would make me jump and rail that no one told me THAT.  All I got was some warning about kidney and liver function that should be monitored with blood tests, which is exactly what my doctor is doing.

Earlier this month, President Biden expressed frustration and thinning patience about vaccine resistance as he laid out his COVID battle plan.  He employed tone and language similar to what Daddy used with me when he explained that he would take my car away if I got one more speeding ticket.  

It’s probably fair to assume that what is expressed to Daddy Joe in the Oval Office is couched in language like “frustration” and “patience is growing thin.”  But out here where language is not so carefully curated, normally gentle folks are beginning to advocate for the denial of health care and the allowing of Darwinian theory to play out in front of our eyes.  Admittedly extreme, but here we are.

The idea that businesses can effectively require proof of vaccination before providing admittance seems a bit like wishful thinking to me, so my wandering (and wondering) mind came up with some ideas for dealing with this issue without putting it in the hands of restaurant hostesses and theater personnel.

In those states where marijuana is legal, the dispensaries would be in a much better position to require proof of vaccination than the local McDonald’s.  I assume that the staff at such places include a mix of Bohemian types that are very well-informed on the product they provide and security folks who look like they could hunt bear with a switch.  

Any dispensary without the necessary intimidating security can hire them away from the post popular clubs in town, where they are currently employed as bouncers.  These folks will stand at the front of the store with arms crossed to confront unvaccinated customers, who will see a large sign in the window simply saying “No Shot—No Pot.”  

We shouldn’t make all doctor’s offices a vaccine battleground, but a subset of them are likely candidates for vaccine enforcement.  Cosmetic surgeons could administer shots to their patients as a routine part of the nip and tuck procedure.    Many of these folks are already injecting Botox into their faces, so they’re unlikely to quibble about what’s in the vaccine.

For the surgeon who doesn’t want to raise the issue at all, just bury the vaccine consent in those pages of authorization that most of us sign without reading every time we go to a new doctor or need a procedure done.  If further explanation is required, simply say that studies have shown that beneficial side effects of the vaccine may include improved blood circulation, boosted collagen replacement, and a general slowing of the deterioration of skin cells—technically true as living bodies will enjoy all of those compared to a corpse.

It’s also time for Big Pharma to do its part.  For example, Pfizer makes Viagra, so why not take a page out of Estee Lauder’s playbook?  Use the “free gift with purchase” gimmick to couple Viagra and the vaccine.  Only this time, one can’t get the Viagra without first having the shot.  Call it the “Get a Riser with your Pfizer” strategy.

Now, if we could only develop a plan to limit access to internet porn to the vaccinated, then we could get this thing wrapped up.  Is there some way we could do this and help beleaguered sex workers at the same time?  I’m sure if we all put our heads together we could come up with a kind of OnlyVaxxed website that could do the trick.  So to speak.