Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

The Best of 2021

Brothers and Sister, I have prayed about how the Lord spoke through me this year and feel the need to share with you what I believe to be my best stories of 2021, in chronological order by month.  I’ll leave to each of your own prayer lives to decide your favorite.

January.  I have read many news stories testifying as to the make-up of Brother Biden’s cabinet. ‎As I’ve said before, I’ve never understood why we have to discuss where he keeps his dishes. ‎However, upon mature reflection, I now know that this particular cabinet refers to those who will ‎be working with him. JRB has clearly cast a wide net to cover all possible walks of life. Men, ‎women, non-white people, sodomites, transgendered, just to name a few.  But as far as I’m ‎concerned, if he is truly trying to represent what America looks like today, I better be seeing a ‎Baptist up there pretty soon.  Amen?‎

February.  My state senator, Brother Ted Cruz, will go to any lengths to keep his name in the papers.  His ‎recent pleasure trip to visit the Mexicans while the rest of us were suffering through a ‎deregulated electric industry gone awry was ill-conceived at best.  And the number of times his ‎excuses and stories changed was on the level of a Babatist explaining why they were caught in a ‎liquor store.  Oh Teddy, I want you to know that it would bless me mightily if you would book a ‎one-way ticket to anywhere on a Boeing 777 or 737 Max and let the Lord handle the rest.‎

March.  The world of commerce is relieved to have the Suez Canal reopened after a ship clogged the ‎route.  I have no idea what shenanigans were going on in the driver’s seat of that barge, but ‎SOMEBODY couldn’t stay within the lines.  But let me say, had the issue not resolved this ‎week, I was prepared to travel to Egypt with a large quantity of MiraLax.  I have to drink that ‎god-awful stuff before my colonoscopy and it clears my canal in a hurry!‎

April.  I have been witnessing mankind’s slide into debauchery for several years now.  I knew, Brothers ‎and Sisters, that legalizing the marijuana was going to lead us down a slippery slope of slovenly ‎sleaze.  Now comes news that the Lake Superior State University is offering college students a ‎scholarship to study cannabis.  CANNABIS.  Just a fancy word for pot.  And a scholarship!  ‎Disgusting.  I really want to know what this classwork entails anyway.  One would think that ‎this would be a joint degree where students hash out their work for 20 hours per week, all under ‎the tutelage of Professor Mary Jane Farmer.  Lord!‎

May.  I have no idea who originally came up with the moniker of Grand Old Party (GOP) for the ‎Repugnicants.  Also, who assigned the elephant as the mascot?  I’d like to offer my own ‎thoughts here.  Grand is really short for Grandiose since so many of today’s Party leaders have ‎delusions of such.  And since we all know that the memory of an elephant is very short, it ‎explains the tendency of the Party faithful to forget the past and make highly inappropriate ‎historical comparisons in today’s issues.  The woman in Tennessee who created Star of David ‎patches to signify the stigma of forced COVID vaccinations was encouraged by Sister Marjorie ‎Taylor Greene’s absent minded comparison of those who choose to not be vaccinated to the ‎plight of Jews in WWII.  People, conservative thought is one thing.  Stupidity is out of bounds.‎

June.  Sister Liz Cheney is back in the news beating her drum of disdain for our former President.  Of ‎the belief that he was the one who incited the January 6 Capitol insurrection, she has proclaimed, ‎‎“I think what Donald Trump did is the most dangerous thing, the most egregious violation of an ‎oath of office of any president in our history.”  Listen, Lizzie, I agree that it’s pretty bad.  But ‎honestly, I think the most egregious thing he ever did as President was trying to pass off a ‎Slovakian hooker as a First Lady.  Amen?‎

July.  Break out the Jell-O!  Brother Bill Cosby has been released from prison and is now free to hawk ‎pudding and gelatin.  Interesting, since both items are wobbly and soft.  Much like the way in ‎which he was released, but I digress.  Brother Bill is looking forward to reappearing in the public ‎eye by “working with a production company on a five-part documentary about his life and ‎legacy. . . and intend(ing) to return to the stage at some point and . . . fielding calls from ‎promoters.”  Uh HUH.  Out of prison and all is forgiven?  Dear Bill….Brother Simpson is ‎holding on line 1.‎

August.  Finally, in our tour through all things of the mouth, this story is disturbing.  A young woman in ‎Connecticut has been proclaimed by Guinness to have the world’s largest mouth.  According to ‎Guinness, “…..she could envelop an entire green apple, bite through four single-stacked ‎cheeseburgers, and even hold a large-sized order of French fries.”  <Retch>  Certainly an ‎interesting feature, but I was unprepared to actually see her photo.  <Retch>  I’ll wager that she ‎never goes fishing lest the bass look at her and gurgle, “Girl, no!”  Finally, Brothers and Sisters, ‎why, I ask you, does she feel the need to wear lipstick?  WE CAN SEE IT!  <Retch>‎

September.  One of the biggest legal happenings in Texas involves the very controversial topic of abortion.  ‎Listen, I’ll go on record as saying I’m not pro-abortion.  But I’m also not keen on being told ‎what I can or cannot do with my innards.  Regardless, my beloved Texas now has the most ‎stringent laws against abortion in the entire country.  Not only is it illegal, but one could get a ‎‎$10000 payout if one reports somebody getting an abortion or somebody even helping someone ‎get an abortion.  I’m praising God that our dear Governor has come to save the day in the cases ‎of rape resulting in pregnancy.  He has declared that he is going to eliminate rape.  With that kind ‎of power, I daresay he will be healing his own paralysis post-haste.  In related news, Mexico’s ‎Supreme Court has voted to decriminalize abortion.  I predict a crowd at the border….both those ‎in need of Mexican natal care and those taking names for a potential $10000 windfall.‎

October.  Television never ceases to provide opportunities for questionable dialogue.  Oftentimes, these ‎verbal mishaps occur on “talk shows.”  A recent episode of THE VIEW offered such an example.  ‎Sister Barbara Corcoran of New York real estate and SHARK TANK fame, offered a choice ‎comment to Sister Whoopi Goldberg on the topic of denim women’s wear geared towards more ‎full figured ladies.  After Sister WG considered trying a pair of said denim jeans, Sister BC ‎quickly offered to take them off her hands in order to make two pair for herself.  The sudden ‎escape of air from the studio was palpable.  While I applaud Sister Barbara for her ensuing ‎atonement and declaration of a long-time friendship with WG, I simply can’t resist stating what ‎would have been a proper response from Sister Goldberg at the time.  “Thank you Barbara.  And ‎I hope that you’ve saved the extra skin after your facelift so I can have a belt made.  You ‎exemplify why our friendship is so tight!”  Praise.‎

November.  I am mystified at all this discussion about Critical Race Theory and whether it should be taught ‎in schools.  As far as I’m concerned, children don’t need to be wasting time learning about ‎whether NASCAR or Indy 500 is more critical to racing enthusiasts.  And I CERTAINLY don’t ‎want them to be learning about the sin of gambling when it comes to horse racing!‎

December.  Leave it to the liberals in California to mock the great State of Texas.  As of last week, John ‎Roberts and the Supremes voted to keep the Texas restrictions on abortion in place allowing ‎private citizens to sue abortion providers there.  In response, Brother Governor Gavin Newsome ‎in California used this legal precedence to declare a new law to be enacted in his state “giving ‎ordinary residents legal standing to file lawsuits against purveyors of restricted firearms.”  As ‎Brother Gavin puts it, if Texas wants to endanger lives by banning abortions, his state will save ‎lives by banning guns.  Wait, what?  I’m in a moral conundrum.  I feel I should argue with this ‎thinking but……here’s the deal.  If men would start shooting blanks from their guns AND their ‎‎“pistols”, we’d solve BOTH problems!‎