Brothers and Sister, I have prayed about how the Lord spoke through me this year and feel the need to share with you what I believe to be my best stories of 2021, in chronological order by month. I’ll leave to each of your own prayer lives to decide your favorite.
January. I have read many news stories testifying as to the make-up of Brother Biden’s cabinet. As I’ve said before, I’ve never understood why we have to discuss where he keeps his dishes. However, upon mature reflection, I now know that this particular cabinet refers to those who will be working with him. JRB has clearly cast a wide net to cover all possible walks of life. Men, women, non-white people, sodomites, transgendered, just to name a few. But as far as I’m concerned, if he is truly trying to represent what America looks like today, I better be seeing a Baptist up there pretty soon. Amen?
February. My state senator, Brother Ted Cruz, will go to any lengths to keep his name in the papers. His recent pleasure trip to visit the Mexicans while the rest of us were suffering through a deregulated electric industry gone awry was ill-conceived at best. And the number of times his excuses and stories changed was on the level of a Babatist explaining why they were caught in a liquor store. Oh Teddy, I want you to know that it would bless me mightily if you would book a one-way ticket to anywhere on a Boeing 777 or 737 Max and let the Lord handle the rest.
March. The world of commerce is relieved to have the Suez Canal reopened after a ship clogged the route. I have no idea what shenanigans were going on in the driver’s seat of that barge, but SOMEBODY couldn’t stay within the lines. But let me say, had the issue not resolved this week, I was prepared to travel to Egypt with a large quantity of MiraLax. I have to drink that god-awful stuff before my colonoscopy and it clears my canal in a hurry!
April. I have been witnessing mankind’s slide into debauchery for several years now. I knew, Brothers and Sisters, that legalizing the marijuana was going to lead us down a slippery slope of slovenly sleaze. Now comes news that the Lake Superior State University is offering college students a scholarship to study cannabis. CANNABIS. Just a fancy word for pot. And a scholarship! Disgusting. I really want to know what this classwork entails anyway. One would think that this would be a joint degree where students hash out their work for 20 hours per week, all under the tutelage of Professor Mary Jane Farmer. Lord!
May. I have no idea who originally came up with the moniker of Grand Old Party (GOP) for the Repugnicants. Also, who assigned the elephant as the mascot? I’d like to offer my own thoughts here. Grand is really short for Grandiose since so many of today’s Party leaders have delusions of such. And since we all know that the memory of an elephant is very short, it explains the tendency of the Party faithful to forget the past and make highly inappropriate historical comparisons in today’s issues. The woman in Tennessee who created Star of David patches to signify the stigma of forced COVID vaccinations was encouraged by Sister Marjorie Taylor Greene’s absent minded comparison of those who choose to not be vaccinated to the plight of Jews in WWII. People, conservative thought is one thing. Stupidity is out of bounds.
June. Sister Liz Cheney is back in the news beating her drum of disdain for our former President. Of the belief that he was the one who incited the January 6 Capitol insurrection, she has proclaimed, “I think what Donald Trump did is the most dangerous thing, the most egregious violation of an oath of office of any president in our history.” Listen, Lizzie, I agree that it’s pretty bad. But honestly, I think the most egregious thing he ever did as President was trying to pass off a Slovakian hooker as a First Lady. Amen?
July. Break out the Jell-O! Brother Bill Cosby has been released from prison and is now free to hawk pudding and gelatin. Interesting, since both items are wobbly and soft. Much like the way in which he was released, but I digress. Brother Bill is looking forward to reappearing in the public eye by “working with a production company on a five-part documentary about his life and legacy. . . and intend(ing) to return to the stage at some point and . . . fielding calls from promoters.” Uh HUH. Out of prison and all is forgiven? Dear Bill….Brother Simpson is holding on line 1.
August. Finally, in our tour through all things of the mouth, this story is disturbing. A young woman in Connecticut has been proclaimed by Guinness to have the world’s largest mouth. According to Guinness, “…..she could envelop an entire green apple, bite through four single-stacked cheeseburgers, and even hold a large-sized order of French fries.” <Retch> Certainly an interesting feature, but I was unprepared to actually see her photo. <Retch> I’ll wager that she never goes fishing lest the bass look at her and gurgle, “Girl, no!” Finally, Brothers and Sisters, why, I ask you, does she feel the need to wear lipstick? WE CAN SEE IT! <Retch>
September. One of the biggest legal happenings in Texas involves the very controversial topic of abortion. Listen, I’ll go on record as saying I’m not pro-abortion. But I’m also not keen on being told what I can or cannot do with my innards. Regardless, my beloved Texas now has the most stringent laws against abortion in the entire country. Not only is it illegal, but one could get a $10000 payout if one reports somebody getting an abortion or somebody even helping someone get an abortion. I’m praising God that our dear Governor has come to save the day in the cases of rape resulting in pregnancy. He has declared that he is going to eliminate rape. With that kind of power, I daresay he will be healing his own paralysis post-haste. In related news, Mexico’s Supreme Court has voted to decriminalize abortion. I predict a crowd at the border….both those in need of Mexican natal care and those taking names for a potential $10000 windfall.
October. Television never ceases to provide opportunities for questionable dialogue. Oftentimes, these verbal mishaps occur on “talk shows.” A recent episode of THE VIEW offered such an example. Sister Barbara Corcoran of New York real estate and SHARK TANK fame, offered a choice comment to Sister Whoopi Goldberg on the topic of denim women’s wear geared towards more full figured ladies. After Sister WG considered trying a pair of said denim jeans, Sister BC quickly offered to take them off her hands in order to make two pair for herself. The sudden escape of air from the studio was palpable. While I applaud Sister Barbara for her ensuing atonement and declaration of a long-time friendship with WG, I simply can’t resist stating what would have been a proper response from Sister Goldberg at the time. “Thank you Barbara. And I hope that you’ve saved the extra skin after your facelift so I can have a belt made. You exemplify why our friendship is so tight!” Praise.
November. I am mystified at all this discussion about Critical Race Theory and whether it should be taught in schools. As far as I’m concerned, children don’t need to be wasting time learning about whether NASCAR or Indy 500 is more critical to racing enthusiasts. And I CERTAINLY don’t want them to be learning about the sin of gambling when it comes to horse racing!
December. Leave it to the liberals in California to mock the great State of Texas. As of last week, John Roberts and the Supremes voted to keep the Texas restrictions on abortion in place allowing private citizens to sue abortion providers there. In response, Brother Governor Gavin Newsome in California used this legal precedence to declare a new law to be enacted in his state “giving ordinary residents legal standing to file lawsuits against purveyors of restricted firearms.” As Brother Gavin puts it, if Texas wants to endanger lives by banning abortions, his state will save lives by banning guns. Wait, what? I’m in a moral conundrum. I feel I should argue with this thinking but……here’s the deal. If men would start shooting blanks from their guns AND their “pistols”, we’d solve BOTH problems!