Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

Mommy. Melting. Mauling.

I’ve been losing sleep over this week’s events.  Pray with me.

Mommy.  Oh, how the mighty have fallen.  Literally.  Sister Ivana Trump, first wife of you-know-who and mother of the spawn, has left this mortal coil after falling down the stairs of her palatial townhome in Manhattan.  Perhaps it was the danger of fancy high heels after 70.  Perhaps it was the incline of the period home’s staircase.  Who knows what precipitated the fall.  Scripture tells us that “Pride goeth before a fall.”  Perhaps she lingered too long at a mirror in the stairwell.  But I daresay that there is one possibility yet discussed.  You-know-who and the spawn are in a lot of hot water.  Mommy might have been ready to share her testimony.  Perhaps there was some push (on her) back.

Melting.  Lord, it’s hot everywhere.  I have spoken recently about the taste of Hell we are all getting weather-wise.  And it’s only getting worse.  The temperature spikes have been felt across the ocean as our fellow mortals in Europe are feeling the heat.  So hot is the earth in Britain, one airport had to shut down due to the melting of a runway.  This is truly serious.  I fear the possibility of a cheap Easy Jet flight melting into asphalt and charging its passengers an extra fee for tar.  That’s just sad.

Mauling.  I was never a big fan of 70s “disaster movies” but I did view JAWS more than once.  I marveled at the Lord’s power as exhibited by the Great White Shark.  I smirked at the carelessness of the leaders of Martha’s Vineyard as depicted in the film.  I feared that Cape Cod could instigate destruction outside of just vodka and cranberry juice.  Now, in a display of life imitating art, sharks are being spotted in excess in the waters near present day Cape Cod.  I’m not as concerned about the wealthy denizens of Martha’s Vineyard or Nantucket.  But I pray for the poor sharks that might deign to feed near Cape Cod’s tip, Provincetown.  With as many sodomites as there are there in the summer, Jaws himself should be forewarned.  While a fey swimmer may be an easy maul, beware the lesbyterians that are ready to whup some shark meat.  And they don’t need a bigger boat!