Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

Flood, Filth & Forgiveness

Flood. I regret not having a column last week, but as you may have heard, things here in my home base of Dallas were a little wet. While prayers had been lifted up, beseeching the Lord for relief from a drought, I apparently prayed too hard. We all know that my prayers are heard more clearly, so this town was deluged with a record breaking rainfall last week. The Lord literally proclaimed, “Ok, Helen. You want rain?” While I was personally kept safe (naturally) from harm, I will admit to gathering two of every species and looking for a large boat. Dear Lord, thank you for keeping your Word, even though it was a bit passive/aggressive.

Filth. I daresay that few people have not had to endure viewing the naughty parts of Brother Tommy Lee. Personally, I can’t get passed all those tattoos to even WANT to look at him. I mean, I believe that the body is the Temple of the Lord. Therefore, tattoos are nothing more than graffiti on the church! But I digress. Not being a slut myself, it was difficult for me to judge whether his erector set was of normal size or not. But Brother Tommy’s pictorial display of filth certainly set tongues to wagging. What really bothered me was how, in the aftermath, TL claims that he posted during a bender. Yes, Tommy, we could see that. I believe it bent to the right.

Forgiveness. My fellow evangelicals are in a state of apoplexy over Brother President Biden’s decree regarding student loan forgiveness. Typical Demoncrat socialism is the cry. How dare he insist that fine wealthy Christians pay taxes toward this kind of charity? We must reserve our largesse for keeping the wheels of capitalism well-oiled and to keep our ministers well-compensated! Give us this day our daily bread, Lord! And forgive us our debts as we….……well, crap.