Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

Her Address Is Heaven Above

I’ve written a letter to Lilibet: 

Dear Lilibet,

Your rather sudden departure last week has taken many of us a bit by surprise.  But then I suppose you already know that if you’ve got good Wi-Fi and had time to watch what’s been going on in your former realm.

Hopefully, you’re getting settled comfortably into your new digs.  Are you happy with them?  I’m just a tad concerned this move you’ve made is probably lateral at best.

I’m curious about how all of that is set up, as I’ve heard there are sort of gated communities or private compounds for those who would not find it blissful to discover that some folks from this side had made it there.  I think there’s one for Baptists for just that reason, although building in that neighborhood has slowed considerably in recent years.  Perhaps the Royals are all grouped together this way, and since there are so few of you—and fewer still who made it there—it might be a cozy arrangement.  

Have you had an audience with the Great and Powerful?  Imagine you getting an audience with anyone instead of the other way around.  I suppose you confirmed that you were placed by the G and P to be the regnant Queen, proving you were right all along.  But what about Oprah?  She clearly believes she was divinely selected to be, well, Oprah.  Was she?  And also, just what are the G and P’s preferred pronouns?

There has been quite the uptick in interest about English history, as you may have noticed.  Of course, much of it is the history of the House of Windsor as told in the highly crafted narrative that the Palace has been putting out for years.  Your constancy and steadfastness are getting very high marks—some are even calling you Elizabeth the Faithful, which is rather nice, don’t you think?  

On the other side, however, there has been a great deal of talk about British colonialism, which is rarely a good thing.  Of course, what is said on that subject on the other side of the pond is not really any of my business.  But over here, some folks—I’d hesitate to call them “American cousins”—are pointing out the darker side of colonization, if you’ll pardon the pun.  I’ve not been called upon to comment on it so far, but if I am, I’m pretty sure it will include something about throwing stones in glass houses—even if they’re painted white.

You should be happy to know that your wish that Queen Camilla be known as the Queen Consort seems to have been fulfilled—although I bit too literally, I’m afraid.  It’s quite understandable that many have slipped and called King Charles “Prince,” a reflection on how long he was waiting in the wings.  But I keep hearing the couple referred to as “King Charles and the Queen Consort,” rather than calling her Queen Camilla.  I suppose for some these new titles are like new shoes—they still pinch just a bit.

The list of confirmed attendees for the funeral is quite impressive, I must say, with no room for the likes of Mariah Carey, Tom Cruise and Steven Spielberg, who attended that other funeral.  Although, I wouldn’t object to seeing Dame Helen Mirren there, seeing how her performance in that movie helped embellish your ”brand,” as they say these days.  Imagine—she won an Oscar for just pretending to be you.  

I understand that many of the younger folks saw you as sort of your nation’s grandmother, which is rather sweet as far as it goes.  But you were a working mom, saddled with a sometimes challenging family who made it difficult to put a good public face on a good deal of bad behavior.  Many women can identify with you on that score, even if you did do it with the best collection of jewelry in the world.  And hats—we mustn’t forget the hats.

In a few days, the focus will move on to that next great British tradition—the Coronation.  Nobody does pomp and circumstance better, so we’ll all be waiting with baited breath.  The new king, hopefully, will have earned the support of even more of his subjects, so that his detractors might think twice about wearing a “Make Adultery Great Again” cap as public commentary.

Your reward is surely more than a mansion over the hilltop—more like two castles and a palace—and those will surely keep you busy.  Let us hear from you, if you can.

Your American cousin,