Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

Wouldn’t It Be Nice?

With less than a month to go the midterm elections, we’re stuck in that “wait and see” place that virtually no one likes.  And it’s not like your favorite news commentator is going to be honest with you.  If truth were told, it might sound something like this:

“Good evening, this is Anderson/Rachel/Sean Cooper/Maddow/Hannity bringing you breaking news.  It is now official, and CNN/MSNBC/Fox has confirmed reporting in the New York/Washington/Wall Street Times/Post/Journal that there is literally no one who knows what the hell is going to happen.

“New polling shows that the main issue driving voters to the polls is the economy.  According to another poll, it’s the fight to save democracy, but it’s unclear whether it’s being saved from the Republicans or the Democrats.    Still another poll shows that the fight over abortion rights may, or may not, be sending scores of women to vote.  But will there be enough of them to sway the election when others think the most important issue on the ballot is immigration? Or is it voting rights?  We don’t know, and neither does anybody else.

“Another tape has been released of derogatory comments made by [insert jellyfish Republican name here] prior to the 2016 election.  Or was it the January 6 insurrection?  Or was it both?  We are asking you, our viewers, to send tips to our news hotline if you can find anyone with a pulse and working brain synapses who is genuinely surprised.  We would like to interview them on live television, which we all know is inducement enough for most folks to get in front of a camera and demonstrate the failure of the public school system.  Or at least the one that tried to educate them.

“The Deluxe version of the fivethirtyeight model shows that there is an 80% probability that Democrats will hold between 47 and 54 seats in the new Senate.  On the House side, Republicans have an 80% probability of winning between 209 and 242 seats.  This means that even Nate Silver isn’t putting down hard money on what’s going to happen.

“An important public health warning for all our viewers as you plan your election night watch parties.  We’re all adults here, and we know that alcohol poisoning is a dangerous, and sometimes deadly, thing.  So for your drinking games, we strongly urge you to not use ‘too close to call’ as the trigger.  Better yet, act like a real adult by throwing back a shot when you actually need it.

“Since we are now in that period too close to the election for the Department of Justice to issue indictments that could influence voting—that period of time when what might otherwise look incompetent, indecisive or ineffectual is considered to appear appropriate—we can’t expect Donald Trump to be perp walked anytime soon.  So forget about that for now and accept that this is like a pregnancy entering its 11th month.  

“As for the existential threat to mankind as opposed to just us blessed one in the United Stated, the war in Ukraine continues to rage.  Putin may or may not use some kind of nuclear weapon in his desperation.  If he does, how will the U. S. and the Europeans respond?  On the other hand, there may or may not be some highly placed Russian officials becoming increasingly interested in removing him from power.  Who knows?

“Now that we’ve brought you up to speed, we have an important announcement to make.  There will not be 24-hour coverage of news.  Instead, we’re going to try a new model of reporting where one, and only one, hour each day will be to the news, whether it’s breaking are already broken.  We will not have time to report every gaffe from Donald “It’s Mine” Trump or President Joe “Two Words” Biden.  We won’t even look at lighter stuff coming from Clarence “I was a Prince fan in the ‘80’s” Thomas and his nemesis Elena “No Longer?” Kagan.  We’re cable news, dammit, and for those of you who want that kind of content—well, that’s why God made Seth Meyers, who does that sort of thing way better than we can.  

“The other 23 hours will be filled with reruns.  In concert with the other cable news networks, MSNBC will broadcast All in the Family, Maude and anything else that Norman Lear made.  CNN will provide Designing Women, The Golden Girls and reach back to Hogan’s Heroes.  Fox will be show Roseanne, The Andy Griffith Show and Father Knows Best.  CSI: Wherever TF will fill any gaps.   

“Of course, if there is a hurricane or another mass shooting, we will interrupt our regularly scheduled broadcasting just like the networks did before cable news even existed.  So hang on to your sanity, and we’ll see you next month.”

Oh, wouldn’t it be nice?