Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

The Best of 2022

Brothers and Sisters, I have prayed about how the Lord spoke through me this year and feel the need to share with you what I believe to be my best stories of 2022, in chronological order by month.  I’ll leave to each of your own prayer lives to decide your favorite.

January.  Brothers and Sister, I must confess that I wept at the news of Sister Betty White’s homegoing.  ‎What a lifelong ministry she had.  At nearly 100 years of age, she has been a presence in my ‎entire life in some form or another.  I remember as a child being blessed by her numerous ‎appearances on PASSWORD helping us all learn vocabulary.  As a young Christian, I was ‎blessed by her marriage to the PASSWORD host, Brother Allen Ludden.  In my teenage ‎ministry years, I felt the need to pray for the slut she portrayed on Sister MT Moore’s program.  ‎My post-college witnessing was bolstered by her morally sweet character on the sodomite-sanctioned GOLDEN GIRLS.  Yes, she could have a potty mouth if written for her, but I ‎daresay there’s not been another celeb like her who strove to be kind to all peoples and animals.  ‎May the Lord receive her in glory, and may she be greeted by all those that have crossed the ‎Rainbow Bridge.  And let us finally pray for Sister Bea Arthur who will surely be annoyed at ‎Betty’s presence once again.  Hallelujah.‎‎

February.  This seems to have fallen into the cracks of newsworthy items, but I feel the need to address it.  ‎Former President #45 has a book out entitled “Our Journey Together”. Like other Presidential ‎tomes, this one is in hardback form.  UNLIKE other Presidential tomes, it is a “coffee table” ‎book of large proportions.  I have two comments here.  First of all, this is not a journey I ‎recommend revisiting.  Secondly, I am encouraging all who purchase this book to have your ‎coffee table reinforced, as it will be holding up a weight of crap heretofore unfamiliar to most ‎furniture.‎

March.  So let’s turn our thoughts to all things pachyderm at the Oscars.  As with any spectacle of greatness, an ‎elephant needs to be trotted out on stage.  And there was a big one in the room.  In response to ‎an onstage comment of judgmental origin, the Fresh Prince made an ass of himself and single-handedly emptied the room of its air by trotting to the dais to slap Brother Chris Rock, leaving ‎fresh prints on his cheeks.  Stage mics picked up Brother Smith muttering something while ‎coming up the stairs, rumored to be “why can’t you give me the respect that I’m entitled to?”  ‎My counsel to Brother Rock is this.  If you’re going to make such commentary, cloak it in the ‎superiority of your status like I do.  It is my duty as a Babatist to remind others that I’m just a ‎little bit better no matter who you are.‎‎

April.  In Florida, the righteous Governor of that State is posturing himself to the pedestal ‎of political morality, a position coveted by so many these days in politics.  I appreciate a moral, ‎upstanding leader, but I prefer genuine Christ-like behavior as opposed to playground antics ‎meant to appeal to the frothing arbiters of Pharisaical Christendom.  Brother DeSantis is in a pee-pee match with the CEO of Walt Disney World over the support or condemnation of the ‎Sodomites and Lesbyterians.  Each side fires a missive of commitment which then irritates the ‎other.  Now Governor Ron is threatening to remove the 55-year-old special status that allows ‎Disney to operate as an independent government around its Orlando-area theme park.  That’s a ‎first.  A politician currying favor with the rabid homophobes by REMOVING the law that keeps ‎Disney its own Fairyland.  These are the end times.‎

May.  We have a new press secretary in the White House.  I always enjoyed watching Sister Psaki (woe to those with a lisp) eviscerate stupid questions.  She always struck me as a woman who might play a lot of tennis or golf, but little was said about her non-work life.  Now we have Sister Karine Jean-Pierre.  I’m all for diversity and recognize her status as the first Black woman in this position.  I sing praises for her Haitian heritage.  But do we need to know that she’s an avowed Lesbyterian?  I just fear that any reporters who might ask troublesome questions will get a tongue lashing and that could be painful coming from a professional. 

June.  I’d like to thank Brother H.G. Wells for his influence on our nation’s highest court.  So exciting ‎was H.G.’s notion of a Time Machine, 6 of our 9 Justices have seen fit to turn this nation back ‎almost 50 years.  Hopefully, while we’re back in 1973, I can stop in on Brother Nixon and ‎borrow his tape recorder for a bit.  Maybe even stock up on some .50 gas!‎‎

July.  The world of science is abuzz over recent photos from the Webb telescope.  According to ‎scientists, these are the deepest photos of our galaxy yet seen.  Balderdash!  It looks like ‎oncoming headlights when I’m not wearing my glasses.  Why should I believe scientists?  I’m a ‎CHRISTIAN!  Besides, until I see Jesus smiling and waving for the camera, I won’t believe it’s a ‎photo of the heavens.  So there!‎

August.  When religion and musicals have met in the past, it has resulted in major productions like ‎Godspell, Jesus Christ Superstar, and Joseph (and that coat).  A recent melding of faith and ‎follies has resulted in a less successful production.  A fine Christian congregation here in Texas ‎mounted a skit version of Hamilton with a few line revisions of a religious nature.  Let’s face it, ‎script-doctoring is as popular as biblical reinterpretation.  Even more concerning was the ‎invitation at the end of the show exhorting those struggling with homosexuality to ask God to ‎heal you.  From my experience, asking a musical theater fan to turn from homosexuality would ‎devastate ticket sales.  Moreover, this church is on the Texas/Mexico border.  I fear that their ‎next musical re-telling could turn West Side Story into a show where “I Want To Be In America” ‎is completely written out of the program.  Let us pray.‎‎

September.  Grieving over the death of my Sister-in-Christ, Betty Windsor (see how close we were?).  The ‎Lord allowed her to walk this earth for a long time and be a Queen for 70 years.  (Surpassed only ‎by Brother Ian McKellan.)  While she was never a perfect person (I still hold that title), Betty ‎was a mostly noble woman.  With her passing, changes are afoot in the Windsor living room.  The ‎royal title has been passed to that philandering son, Charles.  (I was alarmed at the idea of a man ‎being Queen, but I gratefully realized that he will be a King.)  The King Charles Spaniel, Camilla ‎Parker Bowles, becomes a Queen via adultery.  (Most queens I know are sluts.)  Diana is spinning ‎in her grave.  Let us pray for Brother William and his family.  I’d hate for succession to somehow ‎reach that reprobate, Andrew.  That would make Charles and the Big C look like veritable saints.  ‎Long Live the King……..of Kings!‎‎

October.  Brothers and Sisters, there is no other news story this week greater than the passing of my ‎Brother-in-Christ, Leslie Jordan.  I am dedicating this column solely to him.‎

We met on a high seas ministry to the Mediterranean many years ago aboard a ship of sodomites ‎and lesbyterians.  We were both called to this ministry to fervently anoint those gathered.  I felt I ‎had found a true soul friend.  That trip began a long history of joint ministries.  Often, I served as ‎the prelude to his sermons, exhorting the masses to prepare for a ride aboard the glory train of ‎laughter.  We were both brought up in the Southern Babatist Church, so there is no doubt that he ‎has entered Heaven in spite of his potty mouth and questionable proclivities.  We shared similar ‎struggles in our walk with the Lord, and he was therefore quick to offer a word of ‎encouragement, not only to me, but to all who needed his special touch.  On our last ministry ‎together, the Lord led Brother Leslie to actually interview ME about my ministry, and his ‎questions were both probing and scriptural.  Fortunately, that interview is recorded on video for ‎edification.‎

I am beyond grateful for the way I was touched by Leslie Jordan.  My grief was palpable and ‎tearful all day yesterday.  I have moved to a stage of remembrance today as I reflect upon ‎photos, texts and stories.  The Lord seems to have had a hand in Leslie’s final Instantgram ‎posting on Sunday as he and Brother Danny Myrick shared a message in song of haunting ‎prescience.  “When the roll is called up yonder, I’ll be there.”  Yes, Leslie.  Yes, you will.  I loved ‎you so.‎

November.  There is much banter about the use of the term “woke” in these present times.  While the liberals ‎use it proudly as a badge of honor, fine Christian conservatives mock the term as an insult.  The ‎Lord has called on me to do some further research into this phenomenon.  In its current usage, ‎being woke was coined by black people to be alert to racism.  Through time it has been used by ‎many people to be awakened and aware of justice and inequality.  And now, it is being used by ‎Christian conservative politicians to show disdain for liberals inciting social justice positions in ‎politics.  I feel the need to refer to the Bible regarding this discussion.  The idea of being ‎awakened is mentioned 25 times in the Bible.  In each scripture, it is an exhortation to God’s ‎people to be better, to be ready for salvation.  Therefore, I say unto you, those who are “woke” ‎are living in concordance with Scripture, while those who mock the word and refuse to be awake ‎shall miss out on the Kingdom of God.  The Word of the Lord.‎‎

December.  As we approach this Christmas celebration, let us give thanks for the gifts given to us.  Whether ‎you receive material things or simply good news, this Christmas is for giving.  As I remember the ‎birth of Baby Jesus, I don’t pine for 12 days of gifts.  But I will give thanks for four criminal ‎charges against someone with three wives, two impeachments, and the ass in his family tree.  ‎Hallelujah!‎