Brothers and Sisters, I have prayed about how the Lord spoke through me this year and feel the need to share with you what I believe to be my best stories of 2022, in chronological order by month. I’ll leave to each of your own prayer lives to decide your favorite.
January. Brothers and Sister, I must confess that I wept at the news of Sister Betty White’s homegoing. What a lifelong ministry she had. At nearly 100 years of age, she has been a presence in my entire life in some form or another. I remember as a child being blessed by her numerous appearances on PASSWORD helping us all learn vocabulary. As a young Christian, I was blessed by her marriage to the PASSWORD host, Brother Allen Ludden. In my teenage ministry years, I felt the need to pray for the slut she portrayed on Sister MT Moore’s program. My post-college witnessing was bolstered by her morally sweet character on the sodomite-sanctioned GOLDEN GIRLS. Yes, she could have a potty mouth if written for her, but I daresay there’s not been another celeb like her who strove to be kind to all peoples and animals. May the Lord receive her in glory, and may she be greeted by all those that have crossed the Rainbow Bridge. And let us finally pray for Sister Bea Arthur who will surely be annoyed at Betty’s presence once again. Hallelujah.
February. This seems to have fallen into the cracks of newsworthy items, but I feel the need to address it. Former President #45 has a book out entitled “Our Journey Together”. Like other Presidential tomes, this one is in hardback form. UNLIKE other Presidential tomes, it is a “coffee table” book of large proportions. I have two comments here. First of all, this is not a journey I recommend revisiting. Secondly, I am encouraging all who purchase this book to have your coffee table reinforced, as it will be holding up a weight of crap heretofore unfamiliar to most furniture.
March. So let’s turn our thoughts to all things pachyderm at the Oscars. As with any spectacle of greatness, an elephant needs to be trotted out on stage. And there was a big one in the room. In response to an onstage comment of judgmental origin, the Fresh Prince made an ass of himself and single-handedly emptied the room of its air by trotting to the dais to slap Brother Chris Rock, leaving fresh prints on his cheeks. Stage mics picked up Brother Smith muttering something while coming up the stairs, rumored to be “why can’t you give me the respect that I’m entitled to?” My counsel to Brother Rock is this. If you’re going to make such commentary, cloak it in the superiority of your status like I do. It is my duty as a Babatist to remind others that I’m just a little bit better no matter who you are.
April. In Florida, the righteous Governor of that State is posturing himself to the pedestal of political morality, a position coveted by so many these days in politics. I appreciate a moral, upstanding leader, but I prefer genuine Christ-like behavior as opposed to playground antics meant to appeal to the frothing arbiters of Pharisaical Christendom. Brother DeSantis is in a pee-pee match with the CEO of Walt Disney World over the support or condemnation of the Sodomites and Lesbyterians. Each side fires a missive of commitment which then irritates the other. Now Governor Ron is threatening to remove the 55-year-old special status that allows Disney to operate as an independent government around its Orlando-area theme park. That’s a first. A politician currying favor with the rabid homophobes by REMOVING the law that keeps Disney its own Fairyland. These are the end times.
May. We have a new press secretary in the White House. I always enjoyed watching Sister Psaki (woe to those with a lisp) eviscerate stupid questions. She always struck me as a woman who might play a lot of tennis or golf, but little was said about her non-work life. Now we have Sister Karine Jean-Pierre. I’m all for diversity and recognize her status as the first Black woman in this position. I sing praises for her Haitian heritage. But do we need to know that she’s an avowed Lesbyterian? I just fear that any reporters who might ask troublesome questions will get a tongue lashing and that could be painful coming from a professional.
June. I’d like to thank Brother H.G. Wells for his influence on our nation’s highest court. So exciting was H.G.’s notion of a Time Machine, 6 of our 9 Justices have seen fit to turn this nation back almost 50 years. Hopefully, while we’re back in 1973, I can stop in on Brother Nixon and borrow his tape recorder for a bit. Maybe even stock up on some .50 gas!
July. The world of science is abuzz over recent photos from the Webb telescope. According to scientists, these are the deepest photos of our galaxy yet seen. Balderdash! It looks like oncoming headlights when I’m not wearing my glasses. Why should I believe scientists? I’m a CHRISTIAN! Besides, until I see Jesus smiling and waving for the camera, I won’t believe it’s a photo of the heavens. So there!
August. When religion and musicals have met in the past, it has resulted in major productions like Godspell, Jesus Christ Superstar, and Joseph (and that coat). A recent melding of faith and follies has resulted in a less successful production. A fine Christian congregation here in Texas mounted a skit version of Hamilton with a few line revisions of a religious nature. Let’s face it, script-doctoring is as popular as biblical reinterpretation. Even more concerning was the invitation at the end of the show exhorting those struggling with homosexuality to ask God to heal you. From my experience, asking a musical theater fan to turn from homosexuality would devastate ticket sales. Moreover, this church is on the Texas/Mexico border. I fear that their next musical re-telling could turn West Side Story into a show where “I Want To Be In America” is completely written out of the program. Let us pray.
September. Grieving over the death of my Sister-in-Christ, Betty Windsor (see how close we were?). The Lord allowed her to walk this earth for a long time and be a Queen for 70 years. (Surpassed only by Brother Ian McKellan.) While she was never a perfect person (I still hold that title), Betty was a mostly noble woman. With her passing, changes are afoot in the Windsor living room. The royal title has been passed to that philandering son, Charles. (I was alarmed at the idea of a man being Queen, but I gratefully realized that he will be a King.) The King Charles Spaniel, Camilla Parker Bowles, becomes a Queen via adultery. (Most queens I know are sluts.) Diana is spinning in her grave. Let us pray for Brother William and his family. I’d hate for succession to somehow reach that reprobate, Andrew. That would make Charles and the Big C look like veritable saints. Long Live the King……..of Kings!
October. Brothers and Sisters, there is no other news story this week greater than the passing of my Brother-in-Christ, Leslie Jordan. I am dedicating this column solely to him.
We met on a high seas ministry to the Mediterranean many years ago aboard a ship of sodomites and lesbyterians. We were both called to this ministry to fervently anoint those gathered. I felt I had found a true soul friend. That trip began a long history of joint ministries. Often, I served as the prelude to his sermons, exhorting the masses to prepare for a ride aboard the glory train of laughter. We were both brought up in the Southern Babatist Church, so there is no doubt that he has entered Heaven in spite of his potty mouth and questionable proclivities. We shared similar struggles in our walk with the Lord, and he was therefore quick to offer a word of encouragement, not only to me, but to all who needed his special touch. On our last ministry together, the Lord led Brother Leslie to actually interview ME about my ministry, and his questions were both probing and scriptural. Fortunately, that interview is recorded on video for edification.
I am beyond grateful for the way I was touched by Leslie Jordan. My grief was palpable and tearful all day yesterday. I have moved to a stage of remembrance today as I reflect upon photos, texts and stories. The Lord seems to have had a hand in Leslie’s final Instantgram posting on Sunday as he and Brother Danny Myrick shared a message in song of haunting prescience. “When the roll is called up yonder, I’ll be there.” Yes, Leslie. Yes, you will. I loved you so.
November. There is much banter about the use of the term “woke” in these present times. While the liberals use it proudly as a badge of honor, fine Christian conservatives mock the term as an insult. The Lord has called on me to do some further research into this phenomenon. In its current usage, being woke was coined by black people to be alert to racism. Through time it has been used by many people to be awakened and aware of justice and inequality. And now, it is being used by Christian conservative politicians to show disdain for liberals inciting social justice positions in politics. I feel the need to refer to the Bible regarding this discussion. The idea of being awakened is mentioned 25 times in the Bible. In each scripture, it is an exhortation to God’s people to be better, to be ready for salvation. Therefore, I say unto you, those who are “woke” are living in concordance with Scripture, while those who mock the word and refuse to be awake shall miss out on the Kingdom of God. The Word of the Lord.
December. As we approach this Christmas celebration, let us give thanks for the gifts given to us. Whether you receive material things or simply good news, this Christmas is for giving. As I remember the birth of Baby Jesus, I don’t pine for 12 days of gifts. But I will give thanks for four criminal charges against someone with three wives, two impeachments, and the ass in his family tree. Hallelujah!