Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

Homosexual. Homophone. Homogenize.

These things may leave you feeling gay.

Homosexual.  Lord help me.  I am already SICK of looking at rainbow-colored merchandise everywhere.  Sodomites and Lesbyterians looking down at me from ads and window displays.  More of that word “lgbtq” everywhere, and I STILL haven’t figured out how to pronounce it.  I guess I should be glad that I only have to politely accept this filth for one month each year – I’d hate to have to be tolerant for 12 months!  I miss the days when a rainbow made me think of Noah and a dove.  When pride referred to a group of lions.  And when trans was what shifted gears in my car.  Alas.  Next month, it’s all about independence and America, where everyone is free!  Sort of.

Homophone.  Lately I’m hearing more and more about people being called out as homophones.  Why is that bad?  Many people LOOK different but still sound the same.  Some wear a dress and some don’t, even if they live at the same address.  When I’m in a forest, a deer or an elk look just as dear to me.  If I see the sea and pray for prey from its waters, it just means I like a good tuna and I hope that fishermen will cast regardless of their social caste.  Why should I be singled out because I sometimes spend my days in a daze kneeling at the altar while others alter spellings?  So what if I’m a homophone?  I’ll still be Helen to hell an’ back!

Homogenize.  I’ve saved this slightly nauseating topic for last.  Researchers have discovered a correlation between intelligence and the length of time a child is breastfed.  I just gagged a bit typing that.  This research suggests that a child feeding at its mother’s breast for up to 12 months will grow up to be significantly smarter than the poor baby who sucked on formula from a bottle, or left the bosom too soon.  By this reasoning, it must have looked awfully awkward to see Einstein’s mommy flopping her boob out for Albert in high school.  (How do you say “I can’t un-see that” in German?)  But let us take this hypothesis a step further.  If a baby boy is allergic to breast milk, and vomits with each go at the nipple, does that ensure that he’ll be an idiot sodomite?  And what of the baby girl refusing to detach from the breast until pre-school?  Will that create a lesbyterian physicist?  These things keep me up at night.