Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

The 701 Club

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on cruises with VACAYA Vacations, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy and on Instagram at @sisterhelenholy. Why 701? Well, because she’s just a little bit better than that other Christian newscast.

Woke, Water & Wesley.

Awaken ye to the dry lands of unity. Woke. There is much banter about the use of the term “woke” in these present times. While the liberals use it proudly as a badge of honor, fine Christian conservatives mock the term as an insult. The Lord has called on me to do some further research into this phenomenon. In its current usage, being […]

Elections, Ejections & Erections.

The results are in……..sort of. Elections.  There’s got to be a morning after, as Sister McGovern so beautifully sang.  However, much like the film from which it came, life seems upside down.  As a Texas Babatist, I am observing my fellow faith followers rejoicing in the victories of their political saints.  Yet many here are rending their clothing and gnashing their […]

Marjorie, Muertos & Manna.

Scary, Dead, Money. Marjorie.  As if the world around us isn’t scary enough, earlier this week was the one night of the year where adults encourage their children to disguise themselves and go door to door asking for handouts.  Clearly a Democrat celebration.  I find the entire affair rather Pagan and un-Christian.  However, in the Spirit (so to speak) of the […]

The Roll Up Yonder Has Been Called.

Brothers and Sisters, there is no other news story this week greater than the passing of my Brother-in-Christ, Leslie Jordan.  I am dedicating this column solely to him. We met on a high seas ministry to the Mediterranean many years ago aboard a ship of sodomites and lesbyterians.  We were both called to this ministry to fervently anoint those gathered.  […]

Herschel, Hearing & Harangues.

Hear ye, Hear ye! Herschel. I am in prayer for Brother Herschel Walker. After a career of playing for God’s favorite football team, he has found himself as an anointed candidate for public office in the state of Georgia. (I am unclear on the journey to that place, but it’s probably just as well.) The power of passion in God’s Own Party […]

Gastric. Garish. Gazelle.

Pull out the prayer pedestals. Gastric.  This is a matter that resonates with me in a personal way.  As a woman of a certain age, I have subjected myself to an invasive procedure on several occasions over the past years to ensure good health for my innards.  On the advice of doctors, I have drank a concoction which flushes me […]

Coal, Cuba, Court.

Death, Marriage and Judgment come our way. Coal. We have lost an icon of country music. Sister Loretta Webb Lynn has reached her reward at the great coal mine in the sky. Loretta was a fine Christian woman who knew how to warble about her worldly troubles. When the sanctity of her marriage was threatened, she sang against the sluts doing the […]

Dancing, Deadheading & Demonizing.

These are my prayer requests and supplications. Dancing.  Television shows these days are reaching new lows in what is considered entertainment.  I miss the good Christian values of a program like FATHER KNOWS BEST or BONANZA.  Instead, alleged reality shows seem to be the bread and butter of network fare.  Gag me.  As a Babatist, I refuse to endorse any […]

Parentheticals, Perversions & Purchases.

From royalty to riches. Parentheticals.  Grieving over the death of my Sister-in-Christ, Betty Windsor (see how close we were?).  The Lord allowed her to walk this earth for a long time and be a Queen for over 70 years.  (Surpassed only by Brother Ian McKellan.)  While she was never a perfect person (I still hold that title), Betty was a […]

Flood, Filth & Forgiveness

Flood. I regret not having a column last week, but as you may have heard, things here in my home base of Dallas were a little wet. While prayers had been lifted up, beseeching the Lord for relief from a drought, I apparently prayed too hard. We all know that my prayers are heard more clearly, so this town was deluged with a […]