Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

The 701 Club

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on cruises with VACAYA Vacations, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy and on Instagram at @sisterhelenholy. Why 701? Well, because she’s just a little bit better than that other Christian newscast.

Sluts, Surgeons & Storms

Gather at the throne of prayer with me, all ye who read. Sluts.  We have had to witness TWO parades of fabric filth fashioned as frocks.  The Video Music Awards, which I refuse to watch, gave rise to a bevy of Satanic musicians proudly showing their lack of taste on national television.  How do I know?  The media makes sure […]

Texas, Texas, Texas!

Pray for my home state.  I’m already on my knees. Texas.  As a Christian and Babatist, I’m so grateful to have my ministry based here in Texas.  I can always depend on our state government to err on the side of biblical morality time and again.  Err, being the operative word here.  Our esteemed Governor, Brother Greg Abbott, has been […]

Kids, Content & Cookies.

I am wringing my hands in anxiety this week.  Read on…… Kids.  The homosexual agenda is just getting out of hand.  It’s bad enough that we had a sodomite try to run for President last year.  Then, after not getting the nomination, he was nominated for a cabinet post in the new administration.  We have one of the gays as […]

Comet, Cosmos & Cuomo.

Hearken ye to my words of wisdom and comfort. Comet.  Sometimes, obituaries of note are more obscure than others, resonating only with those of us in our elder years.  This week brought us one such passing.  Sister Jane Withers left this mortal coil at the age of 95.  She had been a contemporary of Sister Shirley Temple as a child […]

Bad. Bath. Bass.

Things are rather down in the mouth this week. Bad.  I have always wanted to anoint Brother Matt Damon in oils.  In the past, it has been as an act of blessing for his work and his beatific smile.  Now, I feel the need to anoint him in ministry.  Bless his heart.  I’ll admit that my tongue of judgment can […]

Sports, Sports & Shots.

I’m feeling athletic this week. Sports.  I hate sports.  It’s just not a subject which usually interests me.  However, this week, I must turn my prayers in such direction.  I don’t understand all of what’s going on, but college football in my neck of the woods is in an uproar.  Apparently, the University of Texas and University of Oklahoma are […]

CPAC. Sparks. Space.

Let us continue to look up. CPAC.  As you may have heard, the Conservative Political Action Conference held its annual event this past weekend here in my home base of Dallas.  What a blessing to have such fine conservative people gathering just minutes from my own home.  Siste…………uh…….Caitlyn Jenner was in attendance and was ministered to in an impromptu tête-à-tête […]

Free, Freestyle & Freedom.

Let us be free! Free.  Break out the Jell-O!  Brother Bill Cosby has been released from prison and is now free to hawk pudding and gelatin.  Interesting, since both items are wobbly and soft.  Much like the way in which he was released, but I digress.  Brother Bill is looking forward to reappearing in the public eye by “working with […]

Hotel. Holding. Horrified.

I am in full perplexed mode this week. Hotel.  Some things just make me ask “why”?  It is reported that the highest hotel rooms in the world have just become available in a 2000-ft. tower in Shanghai.  Restful sleep is often referred to as “sleeping on a cloud”, but what about sleeping above the clouds?  On a clear day, I’m […]

Sojourn, Solstice & Sodomite.

Refreshed and ready to preach. Sojourn.  Brothers and Sister, I hope you’ll forgive the absence of this column last week.  I was away on a personal sojourn celebrating my birthday.  The Lord has granted me another year of abundant life to remain on this earth and spread the Word.  I will not reveal my age, as I don’t want to […]