Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

The 701 Club

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on cruises with VACAYA Vacations, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy and on Instagram at @sisterhelenholy. Why 701? Well, because she’s just a little bit better than that other Christian newscast.

Sesame, Similarity, Solar.

Let us broaden our concerns beyond this earthly coil. Sesame.  I have always been an advocate for good, clean, educational television.  As the years have passed, the availability of such has grown scarce.  For 50 years, there has been no better televised accompaniment to my weekly children’s sermon than SESAME STREET.  Although the program occasionally drifted in a liberal direction, […]

Variety, Victory & Verisimilitude

Pardon my absence last week.  But I’m back with a vengeance. Variety.  This world continues to amaze and disgust me.  I have always known that COSMOPOLITAN magazine was a liberal publication, hell-bent on encouraging the sluttier nature of women.  For years, I have been able to turn a blind eye and pray for their wayward readers.  You can imagine my […]

Clueless, Crisco & Cohen

Hearken ye to these concerns and crises. Clueless.  I’ve seen enough episodes of THE CROWN to know that that big Queen in London likes to keep family issues quiet at any cost.  Princess Diana riled things up by being so open to the press and she certainly got the royal cold shoulder over her coffin when she passed.  Just makes […]

Walgreens, Wars & Whitney

We need prayer now, more than ever. Walgreens.  I’m concerned about the future availability of my various pills.  I have always depended upon Walgreen’s to fill all my prescription needs, but now comes news that the drugstore giant is facing financial troubles and is ready to be bought as a publicly traded company and taken private.  What to do?  On […]

Author. Affair. Advent.

Shall we gather at the throne of grace for these matters? Author. For years, scholars have debated the authorship of books in the Bible. Some parts of the Bible have always just been accepted as written by those “inspired of the Lord.” Therefore, evangelical Christians tout the tome as truth. Now that a book about our mighty President is being published with its author […]

Plays, Pentecostals & Pagans

Some spooky stuff this week. Plays.  Interesting news out of Syria.  Apparently, an ISIS-filled production of Tennessee Williams’ filthy play, CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF, was recently cancelled after the killing of an actor named Al who was playing one of the lead roles. I’m fuzzy on the details, but all I know is that there is much media […]

Splurge, Space & Spats

It’s Ladies’ week here at The 701 Club. Splurge.  Sister Miley Cyrus is in the news again.  This time, I would like to honor something she has recently confessed.  After years of splurging on alcohol and drugs, she is now 4 months clean and sober.  I truly pray for her continued sobriety.  I’m just glad to know that she was […]

President, President, President!

Hail to the Chiefs! President.  God bless former President Jimmy Carter.  I have always been a fan because he’s a fellow Babatist.  But his continued dedication to living out the gospel is an inspiration.  Lo, at the advanced age of 94, Brother Jimmy and his lovely wife are still active in their ministry with Habitat for Humanity.  Even after a […]

Peach, Pay & Purse

The glories of current events are prevailing upon us. Peach.  I try not to pay too much attention to Sister Nancy Pelosi since she is such a liberal, but I hear she’s doing something worth noting.  It always takes a woman’s touch to bring taste and décor to any surrounding.  Now, in the biggest act of structural beautification since Jackie […]

Da Vinci, Da Value, Da Volvo

The Lord has spoken to me this week. And he had a Brooklyn accent. Da Vinci.  Let us rejoice that the final filthy awards show of the year has passed us.  Television gave out its statues for alleged excellence this past weekend.  I noticed a distinct theme of debauchery this year.  Brother Billy Porter became the first black, avowed sodomite […]