Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

The 701 Club

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on cruises with VACAYA Vacations, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy and on Instagram at @sisterhelenholy. Why 701? Well, because she’s just a little bit better than that other Christian newscast.

Monarchy, Moon, Mother

Let us pray for these earthly and heavenly concerns. Monarchy.  Apparently, royal status isn’t all it’s cracked up to be (unless, of course, if one is King of Kings).  The ginger offspring of the House of Windsor (I see no ginger DNA), Brother Prince Harry, has decided he doesn’t want to play in the royal sandbox anymore, and has announced […]

Hornets, Heretics & Harlots

Another year, another start, more trash.  Let us pray. Hornets.  Our fearless leader has shown his swagger and power by ordering the killing of a top Iranian General.  I support taking action towards those who harm our citizens.  I also support removal of hornet’s nests under my eaves.  I just don’t believe that attacking said hornet’s nest like a piñata […]

The Best of 2019

Brothers and Sister, I have prayed about how the Lord spoke through me this year and feel the need to share with you what I believe to be my Top Ten stories of 2019, in chronological order.  I’ll leave to each of your own prayer lives to decide your favorite. Fans.  I have long been familiar with the various types […]

Sesame, Similarity, Solar.

Let us broaden our concerns beyond this earthly coil. Sesame.  I have always been an advocate for good, clean, educational television.  As the years have passed, the availability of such has grown scarce.  For 50 years, there has been no better televised accompaniment to my weekly children’s sermon than SESAME STREET.  Although the program occasionally drifted in a liberal direction, […]

Variety, Victory & Verisimilitude

Pardon my absence last week.  But I’m back with a vengeance. Variety.  This world continues to amaze and disgust me.  I have always known that COSMOPOLITAN magazine was a liberal publication, hell-bent on encouraging the sluttier nature of women.  For years, I have been able to turn a blind eye and pray for their wayward readers.  You can imagine my […]

Clueless, Crisco & Cohen

Hearken ye to these concerns and crises. Clueless.  I’ve seen enough episodes of THE CROWN to know that that big Queen in London likes to keep family issues quiet at any cost.  Princess Diana riled things up by being so open to the press and she certainly got the royal cold shoulder over her coffin when she passed.  Just makes […]

Walgreens, Wars & Whitney

We need prayer now, more than ever. Walgreens.  I’m concerned about the future availability of my various pills.  I have always depended upon Walgreen’s to fill all my prescription needs, but now comes news that the drugstore giant is facing financial troubles and is ready to be bought as a publicly traded company and taken private.  What to do?  On […]

Author. Affair. Advent.

Shall we gather at the throne of grace for these matters? Author. For years, scholars have debated the authorship of books in the Bible. Some parts of the Bible have always just been accepted as written by those “inspired of the Lord.” Therefore, evangelical Christians tout the tome as truth. Now that a book about our mighty President is being published with its author […]

Plays, Pentecostals & Pagans

Some spooky stuff this week. Plays.  Interesting news out of Syria.  Apparently, an ISIS-filled production of Tennessee Williams’ filthy play, CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF, was recently cancelled after the killing of an actor named Al who was playing one of the lead roles. I’m fuzzy on the details, but all I know is that there is much media […]

Splurge, Space & Spats

It’s Ladies’ week here at The 701 Club. Splurge.  Sister Miley Cyrus is in the news again.  This time, I would like to honor something she has recently confessed.  After years of splurging on alcohol and drugs, she is now 4 months clean and sober.  I truly pray for her continued sobriety.  I’m just glad to know that she was […]