Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

The 701 Club

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on cruises with VACAYA Vacations, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy and on Instagram at @sisterhelenholy. Why 701? Well, because she’s just a little bit better than that other Christian newscast.

Jail, Jesus & John.

On your knees , heathens. Jail.  As a Dallas-based Babatist Christian, I take notice when mighty conferences of faith take place here in my home city.  Such it was this past weekend as the Conservative Political Action Conference took place this weekend.  A host of conservative, evangelical acorns (nuts) gathered to proselytize and opine on all things of Christian nationalism.  […]

The Beaver, The Bear & The Fox.

And the Lord created all the beasts of the field. Beaver.  What a loss of fine family values!  Brother Tony Dow met his Maker this week at the age of 77.  Some of you children may not know that name, but to many of a certain age, he was a part of one the most wholesome families on television.  Brother […]

Roe, Run & Runts.

Fish Eggs and Frat Boys are in my thoughts this week. Roe.  I am so over all this talk about Roe.  By definition, “Roe” is a term for fish eggs.  In this day and age of inflation and high prices, why are we worried about caviar?  This seems a bit much.  I think we should stick to more important issues […]

Mommy. Melting. Mauling.

I’ve been losing sleep over this week’s events.  Pray with me. Mommy.  Oh, how the mighty have fallen.  Literally.  Sister Ivana Trump, first wife of you-know-who and mother of the spawn, has left this mortal coil after falling down the stairs of her palatial townhome in Manhattan.  Perhaps it was the danger of fancy high heels after 70.  Perhaps it was […]

Ticket, Travel & Telescope.

The Lord is moving, and we need to as well! Ticket.  I’d like to offer prayer for a fine Sister-in-Christ here in my home city of Dallas.  In light of the recent Supreme Court ministry on women’s health and the redefinition of where life begins, Sister Brandy Bottone was recently solo navigating her car on the freeways of Dallas when she […]

Fireworks. France. Faith.

Three important prayer requests. Fireworks.  The Fourth of July holiday never ceases to amaze me as it passes with numerous reports of careless explosive behavior.  Unlike the firecracker explosions of the Daffy Duck variety, real life occurrences do not allow for merely readjusting ones beak.  Besides, every canine in captivity gets highly irritated by the explosive sounds of celebratory munitions.  And […]

Roe, Ruling & Rally.

We are witnessing strange bedfellows this week. Roe. I’d like to thank Brother H.G. Wells for his influence on our nation’s highest court. So exciting was H.G.’s notion of a Time Machine, 6 of our 9 Justices have seen fit to turn this nation back almost 50 years. Hopefully, while we’re back in 1973, I can stop in on Brother […]

Sojourn. Solstice. So Hot!

Aging and aspects of Hell are heavy on my mind this week. Sojourn. Brothers and Sister, I hope you’ll forgive the absence of this column last week. I was ‎away on a personal sojourn celebrating my birthday. The Lord has granted me another year of ‎abundant life to remain on this earth and spread the Word. I will not reveal […]

Jubilee! Jubilee! Jubilee!

Let raise our voices in songs of Jubilee! Jubilee.  As a Christian and a Babatist, I celebrate the Kingdom of Heaven, the Reign of Our Lord and Savior, and His Royal Throne.  I await the mighty Jubilee in Heaven.  Hallelujah!  Alas, many here on earth have been caught up in celebrating the long reign of a mortal monarch overseas.  But […]

Grandstanding, Grinning & Grinding.

May thoughts and prayers lead to action.  Let us reflect. Grandstanding. As a result to the painfully tragic shooting here in my home state last week, I am following political leadership’s actions and reactions. I was particularly interested in the press conference held by our Governor soon after the melee where his offering of thoughts and prayers was intended to bring comfort […]