Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

The 701 Club

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on cruises with VACAYA Vacations, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy and on Instagram at @sisterhelenholy. Why 701? Well, because she’s just a little bit better than that other Christian newscast.

President, President, President!

Hail to the Chiefs! President.  God bless former President Jimmy Carter.  I have always been a fan because he’s a fellow Babatist.  But his continued dedication to living out the gospel is an inspiration.  Lo, at the advanced age of 94, Brother Jimmy and his lovely wife are still active in their ministry with Habitat for Humanity.  Even after a […]

Peach, Pay & Purse

The glories of current events are prevailing upon us. Peach.  I try not to pay too much attention to Sister Nancy Pelosi since she is such a liberal, but I hear she’s doing something worth noting.  It always takes a woman’s touch to bring taste and décor to any surrounding.  Now, in the biggest act of structural beautification since Jackie […]

Da Vinci, Da Value, Da Volvo

The Lord has spoken to me this week. And he had a Brooklyn accent. Da Vinci.  Let us rejoice that the final filthy awards show of the year has passed us.  Television gave out its statues for alleged excellence this past weekend.  I noticed a distinct theme of debauchery this year.  Brother Billy Porter became the first black, avowed sodomite […]

Reality, Renovation, Remembrance.

Hearken ye to the Lord’s wisdom imparted unto thee from my pen. Reality.  There are so many reasons why I rarely watch television.  Most of them involve the overabundance of “reality” shows which just make me gag.  The things people will do for alleged fame.  As a lifelong Babatist, I have always eschewed dancing, so the idea of a dancing […]

Pens, Palins & Prohibitions

Hear ye, O Heathens, these musings of my ministry. Pens. From our business desk comes news of an uptick in stock prices for Newell Brands, Inc., makers of Sharpie pens. Sales of Sharpies have increased, particularly in the Washington, DC, market. While there is speculation as to the cause of this sales increase, business seemed to pick up around the time of Hurricane […]

Horsemen. Harper. Hurricane.

So many reasons to kneel at the throne of grace. Horsemen.  The Lord moves in mysterious ways.  Precious little Justin Bieber has the voice of the Lord calling him to ministry.  Just last week, Brother Bieber led the sermon for the Wednesday prayer meeting service at Churchome in Beverly Hills.  (Clearly one of those non-denominational congregations that can’t commit to […]

Blasphemy, Billionaire & Ballet.

Busy week.  Let’s get busy on our knees. Blasphemy.  Oh, Donnie.  Where do I start this week?  Your orations continue to exalt your own ineptitude.  Now you’ve blasphemed that you are the “Chosen One” thus causing some of your followers to believe you are the “second coming of God.”  First of all, whether a spirit of facetiousness gripped you in […]

Hanging. Hunting. Hosting.

I’m back from a week of ministry.  Time to get back to the news. Hanging. I need to briefly comment on the jail cell death of Brother Jeffrey Epstein.  This death has spawned conspiracy theories, the likes of which haven’t been seen since Brother Oswald looked out a window.  Did he kill himself, or was it a hit job?  Was he […]

Guns, Guns, Guns.

I’m virtually speechless after this past weekend. Guns.  Just………. Guns.  Stop…….. Guns.  It.

Sequestered, Sequins & Sequels

My column this week is right on Q. Sequestered.  The beasts of the sea are getting cranky.  There were not one, but TWO shark attacks off the eastern coast of Florida this past weekend.  Who exactly is spilling chum in the water to attract these creatures?  And why are they seemingly confusing people for fish?  These are questions I simply […]