Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

The 701 Club

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on cruises with VACAYA Vacations, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy and on Instagram at @sisterhelenholy. Why 701? Well, because she’s just a little bit better than that other Christian newscast.

Faith, Freedom & Fort Worth

Let freedom ring. Faith.  Such a day of rejoicing!  Our Supreme Court has opened the way for religious beliefs and faith to take precedence over gritting my teeth.  Fine Babatist business owners can now deny service to anyone who we believe to not be in alignment with God’s will as we know it.  Not only can we say no to […]

Homes, Hosts & Honorees.

I am on my knees about these things this week. Homos.  I have been made aware of a young man who is a rising star in the NBA.  Although he is a mere 19 years old, he made a name for himself playing college basketball for the Kansas Jayhawks and was recently signed to play for the Toronto Raptors. (Foreigners!)  […]

Oafs, Oaths & Oofs.

Things are on fire this week. Oafs.  As a devout Southern Babatist, I do my best to embody the tenets of the faith.  I am constantly reminding others how my faith status gives me a more highly favored position than all the rest of you out there.  I am, after all, going to heaven unlike most of you. (I’m looking […]

Broadway. Bereavement. Birthday.

At long last, I have spoken. Broadway.  Did you watch the parade of sodomy disguised as an awards show last Sunday?  I always watch these award show displays of sluts in revealing dresses in order to inform my prayer life.  But the Tony Awards was a horse of a different color altogether!  The questionable dresses were on MEN!  And just […]

Homosexual. Homophone. Homogenize.

These things may leave you feeling gay. Homosexual.  Lord help me.  I am already SICK of looking at rainbow-colored merchandise everywhere.  Sodomites and Lesbyterians looking down at me from ads and window displays.  More of that word “lgbtq” everywhere, and I STILL haven’t figured out how to pronounce it.  I guess I should be glad that I only have to […]

Jordan, Justice & Junk.

We beseech Thee, O Lord! Jordan.  It is rare that I memorialize a known Buddhist, but it is paramount that I honor a woman who fought for herself against all odds.  Sister Anna Mae Bullock passed from this mortal coil behind the walls of her castle in Switzerland last week.  I fondly refer to her by her birth name as […]

Imperial. Impressed. Impaired.

I am proclaiming these thoughts as gospel this week. Imperial.  I am delayed in my response to the royal shenanigans in London last week.  I needed some time to ponder it all.  I have heard many exclaim that it was too much pomp and circumstance for an ostensibly religious affair.  Clearly, these people have never been involved with a Girls […]


Let us ponder these letters. WGA.  As I write this column, I realize that I should refrain from doing so, that I may be in solidarity with the writers in Hollywood who have just gone on strike.  Yet here you are, reading what I wrote yesterday.  I have compassion for these writers who feel that their work is being undervalued.  […]

Pharisees, Phantoms & Philistines.

We need the Lord more than ever this week. Pharisees.  I pray that all my readers did their American duty and paid their taxes yesterday.  This necessary evil funds so many things that keep our country operating.  Fine people pay their fair share much as they have for years.  I, too, render unto Caesar that which is his.  My ministry […]

Thomas, Tupperware & Tibet.

Personal testimony begins our prayer time this week. Thomas.  Alas, I have a direct connection to a current issue in our country.  I have ministered to Brother Harlan Crow on several occasions here in Dallas when I have been with the rich and unafflicted.  Heretofore, I have had a good Christian relationship with Brother Crow and have brought much healing […]