Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

The 701 Club

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on cruises with VACAYA Vacations, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy and on Instagram at @sisterhelenholy. Why 701? Well, because she’s just a little bit better than that other Christian newscast.

The Roll Up Yonder Has Been Called.

Brothers and Sisters, there is no other news story this week greater than the passing of my Brother-in-Christ, Leslie Jordan.  I am dedicating this column solely to him. We met on a high seas ministry to the Mediterranean many years ago aboard a ship of sodomites and lesbyterians.  We were both called to this ministry to fervently anoint those gathered.  […]

Herschel, Hearing & Harangues.

Hear ye, Hear ye! Herschel. I am in prayer for Brother Herschel Walker. After a career of playing for God’s favorite football team, he has found himself as an anointed candidate for public office in the state of Georgia. (I am unclear on the journey to that place, but it’s probably just as well.) The power of passion in God’s Own Party […]

Gastric. Garish. Gazelle.

Pull out the prayer pedestals. Gastric.  This is a matter that resonates with me in a personal way.  As a woman of a certain age, I have subjected myself to an invasive procedure on several occasions over the past years to ensure good health for my innards.  On the advice of doctors, I have drank a concoction which flushes me […]

Coal, Cuba, Court.

Death, Marriage and Judgment come our way. Coal. We have lost an icon of country music. Sister Loretta Webb Lynn has reached her reward at the great coal mine in the sky. Loretta was a fine Christian woman who knew how to warble about her worldly troubles. When the sanctity of her marriage was threatened, she sang against the sluts doing the […]

Dancing, Deadheading & Demonizing.

These are my prayer requests and supplications. Dancing.  Television shows these days are reaching new lows in what is considered entertainment.  I miss the good Christian values of a program like FATHER KNOWS BEST or BONANZA.  Instead, alleged reality shows seem to be the bread and butter of network fare.  Gag me.  As a Babatist, I refuse to endorse any […]

Parentheticals, Perversions & Purchases.

From royalty to riches. Parentheticals.  Grieving over the death of my Sister-in-Christ, Betty Windsor (see how close we were?).  The Lord allowed her to walk this earth for a long time and be a Queen for over 70 years.  (Surpassed only by Brother Ian McKellan.)  While she was never a perfect person (I still hold that title), Betty was a […]

Flood, Filth & Forgiveness

Flood. I regret not having a column last week, but as you may have heard, things here in my home base of Dallas were a little wet. While prayers had been lifted up, beseeching the Lord for relief from a drought, I apparently prayed too hard. We all know that my prayers are heard more clearly, so this town was deluged with a […]

Props, Proposals & Problems.

What are we to do? Props.  I recently read a story about my Texas Governor and his efforts to bus immigrants from the Texas border to New York City and Washington, DC.  It is his compassionate duty to allow the mayors of those two cities to display their infrastructure to take care of this influx.  These northerners believe, to the […]

Jail, Jesus & John.

On your knees , heathens. Jail.  As a Dallas-based Babatist Christian, I take notice when mighty conferences of faith take place here in my home city.  Such it was this past weekend as the Conservative Political Action Conference took place this weekend.  A host of conservative, evangelical acorns (nuts) gathered to proselytize and opine on all things of Christian nationalism.  […]

The Beaver, The Bear & The Fox.

And the Lord created all the beasts of the field. Beaver.  What a loss of fine family values!  Brother Tony Dow met his Maker this week at the age of 77.  Some of you children may not know that name, but to many of a certain age, he was a part of one the most wholesome families on television.  Brother […]