Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

The 701 Club

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on cruises with VACAYA Vacations, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy and on Instagram at @sisterhelenholy. Why 701? Well, because she’s just a little bit better than that other Christian newscast.

Lives, Legislation & Lions.

Let us start off on our knees. Lives.  The Lord is leading me to begin this week’s prayer concerns with actual prayer.  Join me as we approach the throne of grace.  “Lord, I come to you with a heavy heart as our nation is beset with gun violence.  Why there have already been more mass shootings in this land than […]

Pop. Presley. Pursuits.

I covet your commitment to these prayer concerns. Pop.  That pop music eponymous trollop, Madonna, has announced that she will be touring again.  I give her grace for her ability to reinvent herself numerous times.  But she’s still a slut.  I must say, however, that her latest efforts at reinvention have been rather drastic and in a physical manner.  She’s […]

Bulldogs, Bowles & Bolsanaro.

Repent and pray on these things. Bulldogs.  The Disciples of Christ have fallen in their mission to bring home national glory.  Texas Christian University (TCU to you people for whom the word Christian is kryptonite) was prepared to march into battle with a bunch of Georgia bulldogs.  This time, their spiritual preparation and favor in the Lord’s eyes were lackluster […]

Benedict, Barbara & Brides.

Death precedes new life.  And new loves. Benedict.  I don’t always respond to news of the Catholic faith, but I feel I must offer Christian interpretation regarding the death of a former Pope.  Brother Joe Ratzinger was the first Pope to resign his term in over 500 years.  His resignation, almost 10 years ago, was cloaked in his poor health.  […]

The Best of 2022

Brothers and Sisters, I have prayed about how the Lord spoke through me this year and feel the need to share with you what I believe to be my best stories of 2022, in chronological order by month.  I’ll leave to each of your own prayer lives to decide your favorite. January.  Brothers and Sister, I must confess that I […]

Antarctica. Argentina. Ass.

I have been away on an extended mission trip.  Let us return to these issues at hand. Antarctica.  I have just returned from my most distant mission trip to date.  I traveled to Antarctica where I ministered to many souls, as well as various wildlife.  The Lord saw fit to show me visions of climate change as I trudged through […]

Woke, Water & Wesley.

Awaken ye to the dry lands of unity. Woke. There is much banter about the use of the term “woke” in these present times. While the liberals use it proudly as a badge of honor, fine Christian conservatives mock the term as an insult. The Lord has called on me to do some further research into this phenomenon. In its current usage, being […]

Elections, Ejections & Erections.

The results are in……..sort of. Elections.  There’s got to be a morning after, as Sister McGovern so beautifully sang.  However, much like the film from which it came, life seems upside down.  As a Texas Babatist, I am observing my fellow faith followers rejoicing in the victories of their political saints.  Yet many here are rending their clothing and gnashing their […]

Marjorie, Muertos & Manna.

Scary, Dead, Money. Marjorie.  As if the world around us isn’t scary enough, earlier this week was the one night of the year where adults encourage their children to disguise themselves and go door to door asking for handouts.  Clearly a Democrat celebration.  I find the entire affair rather Pagan and un-Christian.  However, in the Spirit (so to speak) of the […]

The Roll Up Yonder Has Been Called.

Brothers and Sisters, there is no other news story this week greater than the passing of my Brother-in-Christ, Leslie Jordan.  I am dedicating this column solely to him. We met on a high seas ministry to the Mediterranean many years ago aboard a ship of sodomites and lesbyterians.  We were both called to this ministry to fervently anoint those gathered.  […]