Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

The 701 Club

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on cruises with VACAYA Vacations, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy and on Instagram at @sisterhelenholy. Why 701? Well, because she’s just a little bit better than that other Christian newscast.

Benihana, Border & Birkin

Let us fling our prayers far and wide. Benihana.  Our fearless leader has been on a social call in Japan.  Taking origami classes, I’m sure, so that the can sit at home and make his paper tax records into birds which will fly away.  He certainly seemed unaware of all the efforts our Japanese friends made to welcome him in […]

Alabama. Atlanta. Astute.

Just a few things on my heart and prayer list. Alabama. God bless the good people of Alabama. One simply has to be in awe of a state which governs with such morality. Having now passed the most restrictive anti-abortion law in the nation, any pregnant Alabama hussy can be thrown in jail for choosing to end her pregnancy for […]

Tragedy, Tea & Tariffs

Let us mourn.  For celebrities and farmers. Tragedy.  Oh, Brothers and Sister, the tragedy of death has passed our way again in recent days.  One of the last remaining stars of old went on to the great kennel in the beyond.  Singer, actress, ingénue and dog lover, Doris Mary Ann von Kappelhoff has come to the end of her Day.  […]

Stork. Stupid. Stewards.

What a week. Here are my Christian observations. Stork.  Oh joyous news.  A stork delivery in the United Kingdom.  (I refuse to refer to this as a royal birth since it didn’t happen in a Bethlehem stable!)  Harry and Meghan Windsor announce the arrival of a boy who will be seventh in line to the throne.  (I was once seventh […]

NRA. BYU. ATW.

I’m shooting for gays in hell this week. NRA.  ‎Shots are being fired in New York State over the NRA.  (See what I did there?)  The New York Attorney General, Letitia James, is investigating the NRA for possible financial misdoings.  To give ammunition to this fight (see what I did again?), the group’s president, Oliver North has accused CEO Wayne […]

Pastel, Peach & Power

These are my thoughts for this week.  I really don’t care what yours are. Pastel.  He is Risen!  I am renewed and rejuvenated after celebrating the resurrection of our Lord and ‎Savior this past Sunday.  I saw so few familiar faces at church, as the pews were filled with the ‎C&E Christians who only attend twice a year.  Moreover, this […]

Snuff, Sniff, Snafu

Let us turn our eyes towards Heaven as we fall on our knees about these earthly concerns. Snuff.  I must pause to reflect on the recent news out of Paris.  At the initial signs of smoke coming from the roof of Notre Dame Cathedral, I assumed they’d elected a new pope.  However, my mild disinterest in all things Catholic turned […]

Baylor, Border, Butt

I don’t know about you, but I’ve had a lot on my mind.  Join me in prayer, won’t you? Baylor.  Ladies in sports always conjures up images of handsome women.  You know the type.  About as delicate as wrought iron.  And when these women are associated with my alma mater, Baylor University, you know that they are girded with steel […]

Mothers, Mexicans & Mueller

Buckle up, Sinners.  It’s a bumpy week! Mothers.  Just when I think we can’t get any closer to the apocalypse, something startles me even more.  This news out of Omaha.  Two sodomites, Matthew Eledge and Elliot Dougherty decided to become parents in a manner heretofore unknown.  The child was conceived via in vitro fertilization, using Eledge’s sperm, and eggs from […]

Boeing, Bobby & Barbra

Back to business. I am on fire for the world this week. Boeing. As a woman who must often travel to mission events via air travel, I have been bereft regarding the troubles with the Boeing 737 MAX jet. With Dallas being the home base of my ministry, I am at the mercy of American Airlines and Southwest Airlines, both […]