Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

The 701 Club

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on cruises with VACAYA Vacations, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy and on Instagram at @sisterhelenholy. Why 701? Well, because she’s just a little bit better than that other Christian newscast.

Enclosures, Environment & Excitement

Reaching out to each of you from the safety of my own home. Enclosures. In our midst, there are those acting as church leaders who are rising up in dissent in order to bring their flocks together in one enclosed space for public displays of holiness, exposing all present to a multitude of oral spray due to self-indulgent spoken prayer.  Let’s […]

Empress. Easter. Elijah.

Let us gather in virtual prayer over these matters. Empress.  God save Betty Windsor.  The royal empress of the UK made one of her revered broadcast remarks this past weekend to address her subjects on the pandemic facing the world.  It was austere, compassionate and reassuring that all will make it through these dark times and beauty will return.  Lucky Brits […]

Stimulus. Stir. Status.

Let us gather in virtual prayer over these matters. Stimulus.  Manna from Heaven!  Our esteemed leader has signed an Act which will send money to any citizen who made less than a certain amount of money over the past couple of years.  While it would be easy for me to decry this as socialism, there are many of the poor […]

Fauci, Films & Flatulence

The latest in inspirational advice and commentary for these unprecedented times. Fauci.  Praise God for the wisdom of Brother Doctor Anthony Fauci.  As head of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases and as a member of the White House Coronavirus Task Force, Brother Tony has been on the forefront of knowledge, wisdom and advice as we face these […]

Touch. Tissue. Travel.

These are end times, Brothers and Sisters.  Isolate! Touch.  So many people are “self-isolating” in light of the threat of coronavirus.  I understand the concern, but my ministry is reliant on the ability to lay hands on others.  What to do?  I will be starting a “virtual touch” ministry with which I will be available for spiritual feeling, uh, healing […]

Super, Second & Sudden

Here are my Primary concerns. Super.  Last week I had to deal with FAT Tuesday and this week it was SUPER Tuesday.  What’s next week gonna bring, FILTHY Tuesday?  It’s unfortunate that you will be reading this after the results of the primaries.  Therefore, I’ll just make some comments as of this writing.  The Demoncrats are in a human game […]

Pardon, Pete & Pudding

Hear, O Lord, my supplications. Pardon.  Let us reflect on the mercy that our President has shown over the past week.  A man whose moral compass is magnetically bereft has seen fit to issue pardons for a few convicted criminals, freeing them from bondage and imprisonment.  Rather than comment directly on these decisions, let me simply quote scripture from Jeremiah […]

The 701 Club Feb 19 2020

Besame, Banana & Bahamas

Let us take to our knees, Brothers and Sister. Besame.  Conservative stalwart, Brother Rush Limbaugh, has been getting his fair share of press lately.  First, his unfortunate cancer diagnosis.  Second, receiving the Medal of Freedom from President Trump.  And finally, his recent harangue on the prospect of a sodomite President saying “besame mucho” (that’s Mexican) in public with his potential […]

Vogue. Venerable. Vermin.

Lots of Hollywood trash to discuss, so let’s make like the Speaker of the House and tear into it. Vogue.  The apex of televised Hollywood excess has now passed with Sunday’s broadcast of the Academy Awards.  I have to watch just to take note of specific ills worth a retrospective warning.  As always, what passes as glamorous attire amazes me.  […]

Avocados, Asses & Anointing

I am still in prayer about Sunday’s gridiron spectacle, but here’s what the Lord has revealed to me so far. Avocados.  I am gobsmacked that companies pay millions of dollars to place 30 seconds of commercial drivel during the football festivities.  What a waste.  Especially when one reflects on the content of these frivolous displays.  Yes, some were touching, some […]