Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

The 701 Club

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on cruises with VACAYA Vacations, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy and on Instagram at @sisterhelenholy. Why 701? Well, because she’s just a little bit better than that other Christian newscast.

Pageants, Perry & Pennsylvania

Filth. Corruption. Immorality. This week has had it all. Gird your loins, dear readers, for today’s dive into the cesspool of news. Pageants: Another indication of end times has befallen us on this earth. That bastion of all things ladylike, the Miss America Pageant, took a flying leap off the cliffs of good taste this past weekend. Miss America 1984, […]

The 701 Club: Clerks, Catholics & Quarterbacks

This has been a week of utter chaos in our land. I am preparing for end times as I write this. Sinners everywhere, let us come together and pray over these important happenings. Clerks: I would like to honor a fine Christian Sister who is suffering for her faith. Sister Kim Davis, a dedicated servant of the County of Rowan […]

The 701 Club: Mountains, Music & Massage

Current events are troubling the masses. Let me bring you up to speed with my take on the following news items. Mountains: Alaska. The biggest state in the US, and yet the least populous. Certainly the state got its fair share of press when it unleashed Sister Sarah Palin upon the world. Now, all eyes are on Alaska again as […]

The 701 Club: Footlongs, Filth & Football

Sin is rampant in our lands today. It is with great humility that I am able to bring you a Christian perspective on the evils of today. Read and be filled. Footlongs: Let us reflect on the amazing powers of Subway sandwiches and their ability to cause great weight loss. Brother Jared Fogle became Subway’s spokesman after he claimed to […]

The 701 Club: Pumpkins, Football & Baseball

So much for us to be on our knees about, Brothers and Sisters. Let us turn our hearts in prayer to the news of the week. Pumpkins: Rejoice, ye followers of all things caffeinated. Seattle-based death star, Starbucks, has announced that it will be adding REAL pumpkin to its pumpkin spiced latte drinks. Say what? What was in it before? […]

The 701 Club: Misogynists, Mistakes & Mis(Fortunes)

Gather ‘round, all ye sinners, as I share in faithfulness my views on current affairs. Read and be blessed! Trump: Brothers and Sisters, I know you are as weary of the attention being given to Donald Trump as I am. But, when such a man so generously gives fodder and food worthy of ridicule, what are we to do but […]

The 701 Club: Lions, Lynn & A Loser

The news of the week is as diverse as a Pentecostal church casserole. Join me in prayer as I offer my perspective on some important stories. Lions: The interweb has been abuzz over the killing of Cecil the Lion in Zimbabwe. A wealthy dentist from Minnesota paid for the opportunity to shoot the majestic beast on a hunting expedition. While I certainly […]

The 701 Club: Trousseaus, Trump and Transitions

Brothers and Sisters, I have returned from a lengthy period of spiritual retreat, renewal and rest. As I was afraid, the world has nearly come to a stop in my absence. Let me get caught up on a few things, which have transpired in the last couple of months before I start tackling the day-to-day filth of today’s news. Trousseaus: I’m at […]

Letterman, Leprechauns & Lewdness

So much for us to be on our knees about, Brothers and Sisters. Let us turn our hearts in prayer to the news of the week. David Letterman: The dark lord of late night television, Brother Gap Tooth Letterman, has ended his ministry. I’d like to note that Brother Letterman spent 33 years on television. Jesus was 33 when he […]

Waco, Weirdos & A Whacko

These are End Times, Brothers and Sisters.  Join me in praying about these recent current events. [dropcap style=”square”]Waco[/dropcap]I received much of my inspirational training at the Great Institution, Jerusalem on the Brazos, known to most sinners as Baylor University. The downside of studying the Word at this sanctified space is having to live in the hell hole of Waco, Texas. […]

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